What to do when they’re fighting like cats and dogs

by Emily Bouchard

A client who is a single mom recently shared her fears and anxiety around her two teenage daughters and their recent physical fight. The older daughter would not stop verbally attacking her younger sister to the point where the younger daughter saw no other option except to hit and push her older sister from her room. Their mother could see how both girls were at fault and contacted me because she did not know how to best handle this level of acting out in their home.

The most important way to approach violence is by creating safety. This can be done by having a very clear and agreed upon boundary, where the consequences are spelled out in advance and clearly understood by everyone in the home. Be sure to choose consequences that you will be able to follow through with - whether it is calling the police; giving them a week to move out of the house; locking them in their rooms; taking away their privileges, etc.

These situations are so emotional and frightening that getting the kids safe is the number one priority and you may want to cool down for a bit before setting a boundary that may be difficult or impossible to carry out. Separating them and then giving yourself some quiet time to think, and time to connect with a coach, a counselor, a trusted friend, or your spouse/partner if you have one, is always a good option. Let them stew in the “not knowing” of what their consequences will be - and give yourself some time to come up with a plan that will work for you first and foremost.

Once safety has been established, I strongly recommend exploring what’s under the rage and aggression. While the violence looks scary and causes a lot of fear about safety, it is actually an outward expression of the inner violence going on, in this case for both the girls.

Here’s how I coached this mom around exploring her daughters’ aggression toward each other:
When they are calm and in a better space emotionally, the three of them could sit down and look at the dynamics and why violence was the only option. In any situation, violence is one of many options. We’ve all been there when we’ve “snapped” and wanted to hit someone - and there’s a part of us that wants to snap and allow that snap to happen. When the snap is directed at another person, it is violent and unacceptable.

Could there have been ways for your younger daughter to vent and snap that anger and aggression without physically touching or hurting her sister or herself?

Here’s an example of what I mean - my husband is an avid hockey fan. One night he watched a game and became so frustrated and outraged by some unfair calls, that he went outside and took some chipped dishes we had and smashed them against the side of our shed. The noise was unbelievable, as was the effect of the shattered dishes. When he came back in, I asked what happened (all I knew was something smashed outside). He told me, jokingly, that a plate had somehow “slipped” and smashed. I got what he was doing and told him the dog’s water dish leaked and was just thrown out, and he was welcome to “accidentally” smash that one as well. He joyfully dug it out of the trash and let it rip. His mood was dramatically improved and he happily picked up the pieces the next day.

I’ve seen people take plastic water bottles and destroy them when in a rage. I’ve watched people beat the stuffing out of a pillow or stuffed animal while screaming their heads off. I’ve experienced the power of taking a small pillow and bashing it into a wall repeatedly until there’s no more energy left to swing it.

What I’m offering is the possibility of opening up outlets for a safe expression for the level of anger, frustration, and rage that reside in that household (all there as a way to possibly cover up the hurt, pain, disappointment, and fear under the surface). Your clear boundary about no more physical abuse in the home is essential. I’m suggesting that you also cultivate other options as they seem pretty limited with each other in terms of what they can do when tempers flare.

The other place I’d like to explore with the oldest daughter is what caused her to be compelled to bring that level of reaction to herself. And with the younger daughter, I’d like to discover in what ways she believed that her sister was doing something to her and that she was being a victim of her sister’s behavior. The goal is to support them in not getting hooked, and to give them other options so that violence is not a part of their lives.

Action Step: For those of you who have never had to encounter a violent child in your home, count your blessings and notice what you are doing that’s working. Perhaps you can share some of your wisdom with the StepHeroes community as well! For those of you who have experienced outbursts of anger that led to hitting in your home, take some time to come up with a plan that will work for you - one that creates very clear boundaries that will not be crossed, and clear consequences that everyone agrees to and understands.

If this is a topic that is not safe to explore within your household due to ongoing physical abuse in the spousal relationship, then I strongly recommend seeking out immediate support to stop the chain of violence. There are local crisis hot lines, battered women shelters, and other free support systems in our area to learn about the cycle of violence and how to stop it in your life.

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